My anxiety manifests itself in strange ways lately. Okay, maybe not strange, but in prolonged ways that I am not used to managing. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s strange because I’ve never read up on it, but maybe someone might find this relatable.
Something that makes me anxious will start small. It often starts with a pet peeve; a triggering person; or someone who I’m around often enough, changing their routine behaviour [towards me] in a way that just pushes my patience to the edge. Sometimes, it is unintentional on their part but 95% of the time, I really don’t care.
If this happens often enough, it starts to manifest itself in the form of frustration. It lies dormant under the surface until there’s no more space for it to multiply. It starts boiling under my skin until a situation I don’t feel particularly comfortable in, presents itself.
Then I just feel numb. It’s almost like the outside of my body and the inside of my body are not in sync. On the outside, I’m nonchalant yet on the inside, my mind feels like those “solving the math” memes. And the voices in there are LOUD. They tell me to remember things, be wary of things, forget about things, figure out how to handle things, pick myself up, be alone, be social, try to be happy, not get too excited about things, men are trash etc… all at the same time.
And then I just snap. It doesn’t take much for me to snap either. I just start shaking and crying uncontrollably and struggling to breathe. It almost feels like being underwater and trying to fight creatures that are pulling you deeper underwater.
I don’t like it.
I wanted to stay off Twitter, but I didn’t know how. Before I took my Twitter hiatus, I went on the following rant:
It’s kinda nice to be able to come here for chuckles or to vent when you’ve had a hard day.
I won’t lie though, it is often tough to see such amazing things happening for other people when your life is in absolute shambles and all your hope has been smashed to smithereens.
“I got the job!”
“My dream business is coming to life!”
“He/she did this just because it’s Thursday”
Well damn. Must be nice.
It doesn’t take away from anyone though. It doesn’t mean to say that you are incapable of being happy for others or that your well wishes are not genuine.
That feeling of “it would be nice to be thrown a bone of goodwill in at least ONE aspect of my life” is difficult to shake. An entire year goes by and you have almost nothing to show for it. It is extremely depressing. Then, to make things worse, it is not like you have not tried to make things better, you know? You apply for jobs day in and day out or you try to go on dates, for example, and still end up in the same bottomless pit of hopelessness.
I hate life with my entire soul. I really do not know or understand why I am here.
A few weeks into my “cleansing”, I’ve realized that being self-aware is actually quite exhausting. I find myself in my head all the time; having to rethink and relearn; and also teach myself how to compromise because as much as I want to be comfortable all the time, the world doesn’t work like that.
Sleepless nights that I normally would have spent passing time on Twitter, are now forcing me to deal with each day’s emotions and find other ways to manage my anxiety. I think I became a little bit too addicted to using [often unhealthy] distractions as a remedy whenever I felt anything negative. “Depressed? Frustrated? Anxious? Tweet about it. Someone probably feels the same, or worse, then you can focus on caring about their feelings instead of your own.” 🤦🏾♀️
It has been extremely tiring being the person who is always providing motivation and support when it hasn’t been reciprocated. Exuding positive energy for people to feed off of while I deal with being drained on my own. Despite the challenges, I would rather protect my [small semblance of] peace every day than be in the wishy-washy-just-go-with-the-flow state I used to be in.
I am convinced that this is what rock bottom feels like.
I’m not particularly religious but the Bible story of Jonah and the Whale seems to be a perfect way to describe my corporate experience so far.
For those that are not familiar with the story, the following is my understanding of a Googled summary: Jonah was ordered by God to go somewhere. He refused and boarded a ship to go some place else. In response, God sent a storm in the ship’s direction as punishment. The ship’s crew blamed Jonah for disobeying God’s instruction, so Jonah offered to be thrown overboard to save everyone else. He was swallowed by a whale at some point and spent 3 days and 3 nights in its belly praying to be saved; after which the whale threw him up onto land.
I have been working at my current place of employment for almost a year now and it has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster. Of late, however, the lows have been more frequent than the highs and the main cause of this has been my manager.
From her first day, she has been trying to implement all these supposedly positive changes to reinvent the image of our department. I played along at first. I respect[ed] her, not only because she is my manager, but also because in a company where most of the women holding managerial positions are white, I was happy to have a black woman as my manager. I saw her as someone who I could potentially relate to and develop a mentor/mentee relationship with. I was unspeakably deluded.
I basically began experiencing what being victimised by an older black woman in the workplace felt like. It was awful. I could feel the lack of respect when I walked in every morning. Opening up about how I felt didn’t prove to do me much good either, as I just ended up being put down even further. Some of the comments directed at me even attacked my personality and my background. The only way I could end that conversation was by bursting into tears.
After a weekend of trying to get over what happened to me, I learned that in the corporate world, there are a number of things I won’t want to do and even more things that I don’t believe in. As much as there should be mutual respect in the workplace regardless of one’s position, things won’t always happen that way, and to make it worse (for young adults in particular), we have to accept the way things are for the sake of our careers.
I just hope that 2018 brings me much better experiences.
I truly admire people who have hobbies that they are passionate about: whether it’s poetry, fitness or playing an instrument. I admire that they have that one thing that they can always go back to that will make them happy, no matter what the circumstance. Something constructive and healthy that they can use to escape.
Other people’s passions may not interest you entirely, but it almost always helps you expand your view of them, and discover dimensions of them that you never would have discovered had you not stepped into their world.
I often feel honoured when a person feels comfortable enough to share that side of themselves, with me. They feel comfortable enough to show me a vulnerable side of them which people most likely take for granted.
All I can say is … don’t trample on their souls.
Tired of thinking.
Tired of being so busy yet trying to make everyone happy at the same time.
I wanna cry but no tears come out.
I’m tired of being misunderstood.
Tired of being alone.
It’s been a long day … too many of them … and I get home and don’t even know who to vent to.
I just wanna cry but no tears come out.
All in the name of graduation. And it’s only going to get worse from here.
That I know.
That I accept.
Just sometimes it’s difficult.
Sometimes I just need that “things will be okay” hug. That “if you ever need anything, I’m here” hug. That “you’re not alone hug”.