I am in a somewhat better state of mind than I was about 2 months ago, so I figured I should get back to my blogging ways. I am not really good at describing what I am feeling, but part of the reason I started this blog was so that I could at least try. I am not entirely sure where to start but here goes …
I have learnt A LOT about myself recently, and naturally not all of it is good. In general, I am a pretty emotional person. I am more capable of quickly switching from a positive emotion to a negative emotion, than vice versa. My emotions are almost always extreme, no matter what I may be feeling. When I am angry, I feel like I can barely breathe and I make tonnes of sarcastic comments and silly violent threats. When I am sad, I isolate myself from everything and everyone and go into a deep funk that no one can really get me out of. When I am happy, I shit rainbows and I want everyone around me to experience the happiness that I am feeling in that moment. I rarely have a middle ground!
I am the type of person who doesn’t approach any negative situation that may occur in my life well, no matter how small it may be. The minute one aspect goes wrong, I automatically assume that everything else is going wrong too. So instead of addressing the original issue, I take it out on ALL the things in my life that are actually going right! Only me hey?! *sigh*
I realised that I have some degree of separation anxiety. Being in a long distance relationship was difficult for me because as happy as I was to be with him, that happiness was often overpowered by the depressing fact that he is thousands of kilometres away. He is away more often than not, and as a result in some way I became emotionally dependent on him. Not cool!
I have a bad habit of letting my emotions make my decisions. As I mentioned earlier, my emotions are pretty extreme, so when I am alone with my thoughts and I start to think things through (in a negative state of mind), I tend to make decisions that I end up regretting. And who wants to live life with regrets?! Bleh!
Being “alone” made me panic sometimes. I felt … I dunno … Invalidated? Like, I was worth less (yes, worth less, not worthless). So like the dumbass that I am (or was, I’m not entirely sure yet, lol), I rushed into other things based on the emotional roller coaster I was riding at the time. I was happy and I found it highly enjoyable at first, until all the lows crept in to an unbearable point where I just wanted to get off. I ended up feeling MUCH worse than I did before. After taking a toll on my overall daily mood, I finally realised that I couldn’t live like that anymore. I was TIRED!
My main focus right now is ME. I still have quite a lot to work on and I’m trying not to let anything ruin the progress that I have made as well as jeopardize my further potential progress. I might experience solitude on my path, but I can only become a better person by acknowledging my weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them/deal with them accordingly. I never want to lose sight of who I am ever again.
“With every “fuck up” there’s a lesson, with every lesson there’s growth, where there is growth there’s progress, where there’s progress there’s reward, where there’s reward there’s success, where there’s success there is happiness”
– Donje Musi
Because happiness is not a destination, it is a journey … 🙂