“And you’re the one who’s made the most sacrifices and yet here you are, miserable. And EVERYTHING you did, you did because you cared for all those people so much and yet you have nothing to show for it. You went out of your way to care for other people and this is what happens. It sucks major balls. It’s not fair. You should be the happiest out of everyone. You’ve been through the most shit.”
She feels so lost, because she is alone. The absence of numbing substances leaves her with nothing but her thoughts. It’s starting to feel like a recipe for disaster. She supposes it’s just a cycle, and that it will pass eventually. She would like to think that everything happens for a reason, but as much as she has learnt from her past experiences, she can’t help but wonder: why her?
How does she let people break her down to a point where she feels like aint shit?
How does she show people how amazing she is?
How do the people that know she is amazing, recognize it?
How can she avoid attracting people who are toxic?
How can she avoid people who selfishly break her?
So many questions. Not enough answers. Not enough come to mind, anyway. The most frightening part of it all is that she feels like it has almost desensitized the last bit of heart she had for humanity.
“When you literally bare your entire soul to another human being and they stomp on it and then throw it back in your face, you can’t help but feel like tapping out. Now I feel like I’m literally on my own in this world.”
It scares her, because so much uncertainty lies within being in that state. That state of loss and confusion and loneliness. But in some way, it’s comfortable, because as much as stepping out of that zone could bring her bigger and better blessings, it also means venturing out into the possibility of the same thing happening again, just disguised differently.
She thought that leaving her usual environment would help her rehabilitate a bit but it seems that she can’t catch a break no matter where she goes. She would much rather be home and lie in bed all day every day, than be somewhere surrounded by people who are always watching her every step as if they are waiting for her to fail. She doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Everything seems to make her edgy and paranoid or frustrated. Moments of happiness are too temporary for her liking. She is imprisoned in her own mind and the more she tries to escape, the more it closes her in. Like quicksand. She’s lost and she doesn’t know how to find her way again, and too much has happened for her to go back to the way that she used to be. She’s lonely but she wants to be alone. She’s afraid but no one will help her. The more she tries to explain it, the less sense she makes.
She seems stuck in the darkest section of her mind. She sees a light in the distance, but the obstacles that lie before it seem impossible to overcome. The level of impossibility is determined by her mood, which is ever-changing. One minute she feels like she can take on the world, that she is great and that only great things lie ahead of her. The next, she feels drained and emotionally depleted, like she doesn’t know what to do with what is left of her …
“We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.”
She finds the magic in misery to be the things that she is learning about herself. She is learning how to believe in herself and be happy with who she is because she has a certain appeal and charm that is very individual. She is slowly unlocking the potential that she knows she has, and she is embarking on a journey to reach the true heights of her capabilities.
Her mind is constantly swirling, but she’s okay with it.
She is the perfect storm.