3AM on a Friday

My anxiety manifests itself in strange ways lately. Okay, maybe not strange, but in prolonged ways that I am not used to managing. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s strange because I’ve never read up on it, but maybe someone might find this relatable.

Something that makes me anxious will start small. It often starts with a pet peeve; a triggering person; or someone who I’m around often enough, changing their routine behaviour [towards me] in a way that just pushes my patience to the edge. Sometimes, it is unintentional on their part but 95% of the time, I really don’t care.

If this happens often enough, it starts to manifest itself in the form of frustration. It lies dormant under the surface until there’s no more space for it to multiply. It starts boiling under my skin until a situation I don’t feel particularly comfortable in, presents itself.

Then I just feel numb. It’s almost like the outside of my body and the inside of my body are not in sync. On the outside, I’m nonchalant yet on the inside, my mind feels like those “solving the math” memes. And the voices in there are LOUD. They tell me to remember things, be wary of things, forget about things, figure out how to handle things, pick myself up, be alone, be social, try to be happy, not get too excited about things, men are trash etc… all at the same time.

And then I just snap. It doesn’t take much for me to snap either. I just start shaking and crying uncontrollably and struggling to breathe. It almost feels like being underwater and trying to fight creatures that are pulling you deeper underwater.

I don’t like it.

xo

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