For fear of seeming extremely ungrateful, this has taken me a while to write. But I need to know that I am not crazy, or at the very least, that I am not alone in this.
I often reflect on my struggles and the struggles of others. Of course, comparing (I dislike the negative connotation(s) associated with that word) struggles doesn’t make mine any easier, but in an attempt to see my life in a different light, I try to put myself in other people’s shoes.
As I grow older and observe people my age, I am realising that our struggles are constantly evolving in ways that we probably didn’t imagine 10 years ago. We went from not achieving the grades our parents wanted us to achieve in high school, to not being able to afford university (and all the functional alcoholism inbetween), to learning that what we studied is not exactly what it seems in the real world, to paying our own bills (yes, they still shock me every time), then jumping across to what we want from all types of relationships. We are forced to regroup, reflect and relearn things about ourselves over and over again.
One aspect that I have always struggled with is gratitude. I don’t mean the every day “thank you for making me tea” or “this traffic is horrendous, you didn’t have to let me squeeze into your lane” kind of thing. I mean in the larger sense. The “do you realise how fortunate you are to have a degree?” and the “you know, you have never been unemployed since you graduated” larger sense.
I despise feeling like I am becoming complacent, therefore I always crave more from life. Nothing ever feels like it is enough. Celebrating small victories is not in my nature and even when I do, it is very short-lived. The moment I achieve one goal, I am already thinking about how to achieve the next one. Over a brief period of time, my patience (which was never there to begin with) transforms into frustration and then I think “what if this goal is actually unattainable?” Which makes me sad. Or “what if this goal is attainable, just not in my prescribed time frame?” Which somehow makes me much sadder than not being able to accomplish the goal altogether. It feels like a curse knowing that it is possible to have it all, given the opportunity.
I hope I am not jinxing myself negatively in any way by touching on this. I am trying to work on being more appreciative of the little big things, especially when I have bad days. Maybe I am a bit too ambitious at times. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am alone in this.