This thing called “friendship”.

“I love too much to be bent by simplicity and what the norm is becoming. It’s easy to make friends; it’s difficult to keep them.”


Tonight, I could use a friend. I could use their intentionality while listening to me blab on about what has happened, about those things called feelings and emotions. I could use their insight and advice, their gentleness and patience. I could use their optimism and blind assurance of “it will be ok” because maybe tonight I could believe them.

Tonight, I wonder what a friend is. Just because I wonder doesn’t mean that I’m questioning any of you, my friends, as I write this now, but in all honesty, what defines a friend? I don’t think my definition is the same as yours and that’s why I think people get it wrong. People will treat their friends how they’d want to be treated; it just makes sense, plus it’s the easiest way to go about this business called “friendship”. But that sucks. What happened to putting effort into knowing someone…

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The Perfect Storm

“And you’re the one who’s made the most sacrifices and yet here you are, miserable. And EVERYTHING you did, you did because you cared for all those people so much and yet you have nothing to show for it. You went out of your way to care for other people and this is what happens. It sucks major balls. It’s not fair. You should be the happiest out of everyone. You’ve been through the most shit.”

She feels so lost, because she is alone. The absence of numbing substances leaves her with nothing but her thoughts. It’s starting to feel like a recipe for disaster. She supposes it’s just a cycle, and that it will pass eventually. She would like to think that everything happens for a reason, but as much as she has learnt from her past experiences, she can’t help but wonder: why her?

How does she let people break her down to a point where she feels like aint shit?

How does she show people how amazing she is?

How do the people that know she is amazing, recognize it?

How can she avoid attracting people who are toxic?

How can she avoid people who selfishly break her?

So many questions. Not enough answers. Not enough come to mind, anyway. The most frightening part of it all is that she feels like it has almost desensitized the last bit of heart she had for humanity.

“When you literally bare your entire soul to another human being and they stomp on it and then throw it back in your face, you can’t help but feel like tapping out. Now I feel like I’m literally on my own in this world.”

It scares her, because so much uncertainty lies within being in that state. That state of loss and confusion and loneliness. But in some way, it’s comfortable, because as much as stepping out of that zone could bring her bigger and better blessings, it also means venturing out into the possibility of the same thing happening again, just disguised differently.

She thought that leaving her usual environment would help her rehabilitate a bit but it seems that she can’t catch a break no matter where she goes. She would much rather be home and lie in bed all day every day, than be somewhere surrounded by people who are always watching her every step as if they are waiting for her to fail. She doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Everything seems to make her edgy and paranoid or frustrated. Moments of happiness are too temporary for her liking. She is imprisoned in her own mind and the more she tries to escape, the more it closes her in. Like quicksand. She’s lost and she doesn’t know how to find her way again, and too much has happened for her to go back to the way that she used to be. She’s lonely but she wants to be alone. She’s afraid but no one will help her. The more she tries to explain it, the less sense she makes.

She seems stuck in the darkest section of her mind. She sees a light in the distance, but the obstacles that lie before it seem impossible to overcome. The level of impossibility is determined by her mood, which is ever-changing. One minute she feels like she can take on the world, that she is great and that only great things lie ahead of her. The next, she feels drained and emotionally depleted, like she doesn’t know what to do with what is left of her …


“We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.”

She finds the magic in misery to be the things that she is learning about herself. She is learning how to believe in herself and be happy with who she is because she has a certain appeal and charm that is very individual. She is slowly unlocking the potential that she knows she has, and she is embarking on a journey to reach the true heights of her capabilities.

Her mind is constantly swirling, but she’s okay with it.

She is the perfect storm.



It’s All Yours

“I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5AM, I’d damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you two hours later, I’ll tell you then too. Listen, I won’t wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don’t want to. I don’t care enough to be patient with you. I’m happy, you made me feel that way, don’t you want to know? So that’s how it’s going to be. I’m going to leave myself as open as a church door. And I’m going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I’m fucking joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee, would you please kiss me? Here, these are my hands, this is my mouth, it is all yours.”

~ Azra T. “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First”



Brand New Eyes

I am in a somewhat better state of mind than I was about 2 months ago, so I figured I should get back to my blogging ways. I am not really good at describing what I am feeling, but part of the reason I started this blog was so that I could at least try. I am not entirely sure where to start but here goes …

I have learnt A LOT about myself recently, and naturally not all of it is good. In general, I am a pretty emotional person. I am more capable of quickly switching from a positive emotion to a negative emotion, than vice versa. My emotions are almost always extreme, no matter what I may be feeling. When I am angry, I feel like I can barely breathe and I make tonnes of sarcastic comments and silly violent threats. When I am sad, I isolate myself from everything and everyone and go into a deep funk that no one can really get me out of. When I am happy, I shit rainbows and I want everyone around me to experience the happiness that I am feeling in that moment. I rarely have a middle ground!

I am the type of person who doesn’t approach any negative situation that may occur in my life well, no matter how small it may be. The minute one aspect goes wrong, I automatically assume that everything else is going wrong too. So instead of addressing the original issue, I take it out on ALL the things in my life that are actually going right! Only me hey?! *sigh*

I realised that I have some degree of separation anxiety. Being in a long distance relationship was difficult for me because as happy as I was to be with him, that happiness was often overpowered by the depressing fact that he is thousands of kilometres away. He is away more often than not, and as a result in some way I became emotionally dependent on him. Not cool!

I have a bad habit of letting my emotions make my decisions. As I mentioned earlier, my emotions are pretty extreme, so when I am alone with my thoughts and I start to think things through (in a negative state of mind), I tend to make decisions that I end up regretting. And who wants to live life with regrets?! Bleh!

Being “alone” made me panic sometimes. I felt … I dunno … Invalidated? Like, I was worth less (yes, worth less, not worthless). So like the dumbass that I am (or was, I’m not entirely sure yet, lol), I rushed into other things based on the emotional roller coaster I was riding at the time. I was happy and I found it highly enjoyable at first, until all the lows crept in to an unbearable point where I just wanted to get off. I ended up feeling MUCH worse than I did before. After taking a toll on my overall daily mood, I finally realised that I couldn’t live like that anymore. I was TIRED!

My main focus right now is ME. I still have quite a lot to work on and I’m trying not to let anything ruin the progress that I have made as well as jeopardize my further potential progress. I might experience solitude on my path, but I can only become a better person by acknowledging my weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them/deal with them accordingly. I never want to lose sight of who I am ever again.

“With every “fuck up” there’s a lesson, with every lesson there’s growth, where there is growth there’s progress, where there’s progress there’s reward, where there’s reward there’s success, where there’s success there is happiness”
– Donje Musi

Because happiness is not a destination, it is a journey … 🙂



Feature on The Style Gallivanter


Miranda (aka SAKHINO) is a fashion stylist based in Melbourne, Australia. The other day, I was featured on her fashion blog The Style Gallivanter. We had a photo shoot in Kampala, Uganda, which was a splendid experience! I am so glad that I got to be a part of her blog because I am such a huge fan.

The feature is called Skirting Around – UG Style

You can also check out her Facebook page TheStyle Gallivanter and her website Style Gallivanter

Thank you Miranda for the early birthday present!