“I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5AM, I’d damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you two hours later, I’ll tell you then too. Listen, I won’t wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don’t want to. I don’t care enough to be patient with you. I’m happy, you made me feel that way, don’t you want to know? So that’s how it’s going to be. I’m going to leave myself as open as a church door. And I’m going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I’m fucking joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee, would you please kiss me? Here, these are my hands, this is my mouth, it is all yours.”
~ Azra T. “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First”
I am in a somewhat better state of mind than I was about 2 months ago, so I figured I should get back to my blogging ways. I am not really good at describing what I am feeling, but part of the reason I started this blog was so that I could at least try. I am not entirely sure where to start but here goes …
I have learnt A LOT about myself recently, and naturally not all of it is good. In general, I am a pretty emotional person. I am more capable of quickly switching from a positive emotion to a negative emotion, than vice versa. My emotions are almost always extreme, no matter what I may be feeling. When I am angry, I feel like I can barely breathe and I make tonnes of sarcastic comments and silly violent threats. When I am sad, I isolate myself from everything and everyone and go into a deep funk that no one can really get me out of. When I am happy, I shit rainbows and I want everyone around me to experience the happiness that I am feeling in that moment. I rarely have a middle ground!
I am the type of person who doesn’t approach any negative situation that may occur in my life well, no matter how small it may be. The minute one aspect goes wrong, I automatically assume that everything else is going wrong too. So instead of addressing the original issue, I take it out on ALL the things in my life that are actually going right! Only me hey?! *sigh*
I realised that I have some degree of separation anxiety. Being in a long distance relationship was difficult for me because as happy as I was to be with him, that happiness was often overpowered by the depressing fact that he is thousands of kilometres away. He is away more often than not, and as a result in some way I became emotionally dependent on him. Not cool!
I have a bad habit of letting my emotions make my decisions. As I mentioned earlier, my emotions are pretty extreme, so when I am alone with my thoughts and I start to think things through (in a negative state of mind), I tend to make decisions that I end up regretting. And who wants to live life with regrets?! Bleh!
Being “alone” made me panic sometimes. I felt … I dunno … Invalidated? Like, I was worth less (yes, worth less, not worthless). So like the dumbass that I am (or was, I’m not entirely sure yet, lol), I rushed into other things based on the emotional roller coaster I was riding at the time. I was happy and I found it highly enjoyable at first, until all the lows crept in to an unbearable point where I just wanted to get off. I ended up feeling MUCH worse than I did before. After taking a toll on my overall daily mood, I finally realised that I couldn’t live like that anymore. I was TIRED!
My main focus right now is ME. I still have quite a lot to work on and I’m trying not to let anything ruin the progress that I have made as well as jeopardize my further potential progress. I might experience solitude on my path, but I can only become a better person by acknowledging my weaknesses and learning how to strengthen them/deal with them accordingly. I never want to lose sight of who I am ever again.
“With every “fuck up” there’s a lesson, with every lesson there’s growth, where there is growth there’s progress, where there’s progress there’s reward, where there’s reward there’s success, where there’s success there is happiness”
– Donje Musi
Because happiness is not a destination, it is a journey … 🙂
Seakanyo Miranda Seakgosing (aka Sa’Khino) is a fashion stylist based in Melbourne, Australia. The other day I was featured on her fashion blog Miranda’s Inside Scoop.We had a photo shoot in Uganda which was loads of fun! I’m so glad I got to be a part of her blog because I am such a huge fan!
Check out the feature here: Skirting Around, UG style …
You can also:
Like her Facebook page here: SA’KHINO
Check out her website here: SA’KHINO Image & Style Consulting
Thank you for the early birthday present 😉