Healing

Question 26: How do you feel about your scars and past mistakes?

Answer:

I’ve learnt so much from them but if I were to sit down and really think over the past 4 years, I would cry incessantly.

Question 27: What is the most affected part of your body due to self harm? How does it make you feel?

Answer:

Probably my stomach. I [used to] do so much to numb the pain in terms of alcohol and any pills containing paracetamol to cover up the hunger pains, because I don’t eat when I’m stressed, anxious, worried or sad.

Question 28: Why is recovery important to you?

Answer:

Honestly, I am not brave enough to end it all for real. So, if I’m going to do this living thing, I might as well live my best life. My journey to [some semblance of] recovery so far has helped me become a more positive person (except when it comes to love, obviously). And all I really want is to shine through the dark cloud.

xo

Learning Curve

Question 12: What have you learned about depression over the past 2 years?

Answer:

You know, people who try to “figure out” depression and/or anxiety in other people are amusing. They try so hard to reduce it to one type of behaviour, or one type of “feeling” as if it “feels” the same to everyone; or as if everyone who is going through it, is going through it at the same intensity and/or the same pace.

I know that very often we say “it doesn’t just go away” and naturally people want to know “well how do we help you make it go away?” Thing is, sometimes it is difficult to even explain or or pinpoint what exactly “it” is. That something that continues to bring you down. And it is not like you are not actively trying to confront it, overcome it, or at the very least, run away from it. But “it” is always there. Lingering.

And in that time, it is so easy to feel like what you’re going through is being undermined, as if you’re trying to be trendy via a mental illness. Then you choose to keep it in to avoid being ridiculed or belittled (because that would just intensify it) and what do you know? That lingering feeling starts to grow, and it continues to grow until you break. NOW everyone is concerned. Well then.

Even as a depressed person, you won’t always understand what the next depressed person is going through. Different triggers. The least we can do is [try to] look after one another.

xo