Success of a Different Kind

Question 29: Do you think happiness is achievable? What steps are you taking to make it a reality?


I do think that happiness is achievable, as temporary as it may be or seem. I am actively trying to engage in things that bring me joy and cutting out any enemies of progress or negative energy. I want to be great and I realise that that requires a strong presence of positive energy and support.

Question 30: What are your expectations for 2017? In terms of self-love and your mental health?


I expect great things. I am keen for development, personally and career-wise. I haven’t believed in myself as much as I have in the past month, which was helped by the fact that my parents have supported me fully, and made me believe in myself. I learn new things about how to manage my mental health every day and I am always open to realisations/new ways to ensure that I live a happy, fulfilling life.




Question 26: How do you feel about your scars and past mistakes?


I’ve learnt so much from them but if I were to sit down and really think over the past 4 years, I would cry incessantly.

Question 27: What is the most affected part of your body due to self harm? How does it make you feel?


Probably my stomach. I [used to] do so much to numb the pain in terms of alcohol and any pills containing paracetamol to cover up the hunger pains, because I don’t eat when I’m stressed, anxious, worried or sad.

Question 28: Why is recovery important to you?


Honestly, I am not brave enough to end it all for real. So, if I’m going to do this living thing, I might as well live my best life. My journey to [some semblance of] recovery so far has helped me become a more positive person (except when it comes to love, obviously). And all I really want is to shine through the dark cloud.


My Personality

Question 2: Name 3 things you like about your personality and why?


This one was a little bit tricky but here goes …

  • I am very self-aware. I can almost always identify what is going on with me and why. I like it because it sort of gives me a starting point as to how to overcome it, and where to seek help if I need it.
  • This one is a bit of a love/hate one but I like the way I love people who are close to my heart. It is always rooted in pure intentions and there are few things I wouldn’t do to see them happy (often beyond my means). Of course, some humans (men in particular) take advantage of this side of me so I am not as open to showing it as I used to be but hey, you live and you learn.
  • I am getting better at identifying enemies of progress. Some people would love nothing more than to see you live a stagnant life, or worse, to see you crumble and fall apart. Only because it makes them feel better about where they are in their lives, enemies of progress will never believe that you can be great. In order to ensure that I am not triggered or held back in any way, I cut such people out of my life before things can get any worse for my peace of mind.



Knowing Your Inner Self

So… my friend’s sister had been battling with her self-esteem, and she has been on a journey to love herself again through monthly self-love challenges. Truth be told, I’ve hardly participated in these challenges (I have been pretty caught up in my own life, lately) but the questions in her most recent challenge, called “Knowing Your Inner Self”, caught my attention. So I figured that I’d try them out and write about it, just to attempt to reflect on the events of this past year (2016).

I will start with the questions in my next post. There are 30 questions. I answered some of them with paragraphs, and others with one sentence, so I do not know how exactly I will split up the posts, but try to keep up and bear with me 🙂


Beyond Passion

I truly admire people who have hobbies that they are passionate about: whether it’s poetry, fitness or playing an instrument. I admire that they have that one thing that they can always go back to that will make them happy, no matter what the circumstance. Something constructive and healthy that they can use to escape.

Other people’s passions may not interest you entirely, but it almost always helps you expand your view of them, and discover dimensions of them that you never would have discovered had you not stepped into their world.

I often feel honoured when a person feels comfortable enough to share that side of themselves, with me. They feel comfortable enough to show me a vulnerable side of them which people most likely take for granted.

All I can say is … don’t trample on their souls.


The Perfect Storm

“And you’re the one who’s made the most sacrifices and yet here you are, miserable. And EVERYTHING you did, you did because you cared for all those people so much and yet you have nothing to show for it. You went out of your way to care for other people and this is what happens. It sucks major balls. It’s not fair. You should be the happiest out of everyone. You’ve been through the most shit.”

She feels so lost, because she is alone. The absence of numbing substances leaves her with nothing but her thoughts. It’s starting to feel like a recipe for disaster. She supposes it’s just a cycle, and that it will pass eventually. She would like to think that everything happens for a reason, but as much as she has learnt from her past experiences, she can’t help but wonder: why her?

How does she let people break her down to a point where she feels like aint shit?

How does she show people how amazing she is?

How do the people that know she is amazing, recognize it?

How can she avoid attracting people who are toxic?

How can she avoid people who selfishly break her?

So many questions. Not enough answers. Not enough come to mind, anyway. The most frightening part of it all is that she feels like it has almost desensitized the last bit of heart she had for humanity.

“When you literally bare your entire soul to another human being and they stomp on it and then throw it back in your face, you can’t help but feel like tapping out. Now I feel like I’m literally on my own in this world.”

It scares her, because so much uncertainty lies within being in that state. That state of loss and confusion and loneliness. But in some way, it’s comfortable, because as much as stepping out of that zone could bring her bigger and better blessings, it also means venturing out into the possibility of the same thing happening again, just disguised differently.

She thought that leaving her usual environment would help her rehabilitate a bit but it seems that she can’t catch a break no matter where she goes. She would much rather be home and lie in bed all day every day, than be somewhere surrounded by people who are always watching her every step as if they are waiting for her to fail. She doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Everything seems to make her edgy and paranoid or frustrated. Moments of happiness are too temporary for her liking. She is imprisoned in her own mind and the more she tries to escape, the more it closes her in. Like quicksand. She’s lost and she doesn’t know how to find her way again, and too much has happened for her to go back to the way that she used to be. She’s lonely but she wants to be alone. She’s afraid but no one will help her. The more she tries to explain it, the less sense she makes.

She seems stuck in the darkest section of her mind. She sees a light in the distance, but the obstacles that lie before it seem impossible to overcome. The level of impossibility is determined by her mood, which is ever-changing. One minute she feels like she can take on the world, that she is great and that only great things lie ahead of her. The next, she feels drained and emotionally depleted, like she doesn’t know what to do with what is left of her …


“We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.”

She finds the magic in misery to be the things that she is learning about herself. She is learning how to believe in herself and be happy with who she is because she has a certain appeal and charm that is very individual. She is slowly unlocking the potential that she knows she has, and she is embarking on a journey to reach the true heights of her capabilities.

Her mind is constantly swirling, but she’s okay with it.

She is the perfect storm.


It’s All Yours …

“I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5AM, I’d damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you two hours later, I’ll tell you then too. Listen, I won’t wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don’t want to. I don’t care enough to be patient with you. I’m happy, you made me feel that way, don’t you want to know? So that’s how it’s going to be. I’m going to leave myself as open as a church door. And I’m going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I’m fucking joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee, would you please kiss me? Here, these are my hands, this is my mouth, it is all yours.”

~ Azra T. “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First”