Rock Bottom: a Basement or a Foundation?

I wanted to stay off Twitter, but I didn’t know how. Before I took my Twitter hiatus, I went on the following rant:

It’s kinda nice to be able to come here for chuckles or to vent when you’ve had a hard day.

I won’t lie though, it is often tough to see such amazing things happening for other people when your life is in absolute shambles and all your hope has been smashed to smithereens.

“I got the job!”

“I’m engaged!”

“My dream business is coming to life!”

“He/she did this just because it’s Thursday”

Well damn. Must be nice.

It doesn’t take away from anyone though. It doesn’t mean to say that you are incapable of being happy for others or that your well wishes are not genuine.

But wow.

That feeling of “it would be nice to be thrown a bone of goodwill in at least ONE aspect of my life” is difficult to shake. An entire year goes by and you have almost nothing to show for it. It is extremely depressing. Then, to make things worse, it is not like you have not tried to make things better, you know? You apply for jobs day in and day out or you try to go on dates, for example, and still end up in the same bottomless pit of hopelessness.

I hate life with my entire soul. I really do not know or understand why I am here.

A few weeks into my “cleansing”, I’ve realized that being self-aware is actually quite exhausting. I find myself in my head all the time; having to rethink and relearn; and also teach myself how to compromise because as much as I want to be comfortable all the time, the world doesn’t work like that.

Sleepless nights that I normally would have spent passing time on Twitter, are now forcing me to deal with each day’s emotions and find other ways to manage my anxiety. I think I became a little bit too addicted to using [often unhealthy] distractions as a remedy whenever I felt anything negative. “Depressed? Frustrated? Anxious? Tweet about it. Someone probably feels the same, or worse, then you can focus on caring about their feelings instead of your own.” 🤦🏾‍♀️

It has been extremely tiring being the person who is always providing motivation and support when it hasn’t been reciprocated. Exuding positive energy for people to feed off of while I deal with being drained on my own. Despite the challenges, I would rather protect my [small semblance of] peace every day than be in the wishy-washy-just-go-with-the-flow state I used to be in.

I am convinced that this is what rock bottom feels like.

xo

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Beyond Passion

I truly admire people who have hobbies that they are passionate about: whether it’s poetry, fitness or playing an instrument. I admire that they have that one thing that they can always go back to that will make them happy, no matter what the circumstance. Something constructive and healthy that they can use to escape.

Other people’s passions may not interest you entirely, but it almost always helps you expand your view of them, and discover dimensions of them that you never would have discovered had you not stepped into their world.

I often feel honoured when a person feels comfortable enough to share that side of themselves, with me. They feel comfortable enough to show me a vulnerable side of them which people most likely take for granted.

All I can say is … don’t trample on their souls.

xo

The Perfect Storm

“And you’re the one who’s made the most sacrifices and yet here you are, miserable. And EVERYTHING you did, you did because you cared for all those people so much and yet you have nothing to show for it. You went out of your way to care for other people and this is what happens. It sucks major balls. It’s not fair. You should be the happiest out of everyone. You’ve been through the most shit.”

She feels so lost, because she is alone. The absence of numbing substances leaves her with nothing but her thoughts. It’s starting to feel like a recipe for disaster. She supposes it’s just a cycle, and that it will pass eventually. She would like to think that everything happens for a reason, but as much as she has learnt from her past experiences, she can’t help but wonder: why her?

How does she let people break her down to a point where she feels like aint shit?

How does she show people how amazing she is?

How do the people that know she is amazing, recognize it?

How can she avoid attracting people who are toxic?

How can she avoid people who selfishly break her?

So many questions. Not enough answers. Not enough come to mind, anyway. The most frightening part of it all is that she feels like it has almost desensitized the last bit of heart she had for humanity.

“When you literally bare your entire soul to another human being and they stomp on it and then throw it back in your face, you can’t help but feel like tapping out. Now I feel like I’m literally on my own in this world.”

It scares her, because so much uncertainty lies within being in that state. That state of loss and confusion and loneliness. But in some way, it’s comfortable, because as much as stepping out of that zone could bring her bigger and better blessings, it also means venturing out into the possibility of the same thing happening again, just disguised differently.

She thought that leaving her usual environment would help her rehabilitate a bit but it seems that she can’t catch a break no matter where she goes. She would much rather be home and lie in bed all day every day, than be somewhere surrounded by people who are always watching her every step as if they are waiting for her to fail. She doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Everything seems to make her edgy and paranoid or frustrated. Moments of happiness are too temporary for her liking. She is imprisoned in her own mind and the more she tries to escape, the more it closes her in. Like quicksand. She’s lost and she doesn’t know how to find her way again, and too much has happened for her to go back to the way that she used to be. She’s lonely but she wants to be alone. She’s afraid but no one will help her. The more she tries to explain it, the less sense she makes.

She seems stuck in the darkest section of her mind. She sees a light in the distance, but the obstacles that lie before it seem impossible to overcome. The level of impossibility is determined by her mood, which is ever-changing. One minute she feels like she can take on the world, that she is great and that only great things lie ahead of her. The next, she feels drained and emotionally depleted, like she doesn’t know what to do with what is left of her …

 

“We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical.”

She finds the magic in misery to be the things that she is learning about herself. She is learning how to believe in herself and be happy with who she is because she has a certain appeal and charm that is very individual. She is slowly unlocking the potential that she knows she has, and she is embarking on a journey to reach the true heights of her capabilities.

Her mind is constantly swirling, but she’s okay with it.

She is the perfect storm.

xo

It’s All Yours

“I’ve stopped being sorry for all my soft. I won’t apologize because I miss you, or because I said it, or because I text you first, or again. I think everyone spends too much time trying to close themselves off. I don’t want to be cool or indifferent, I want to be honest. If I love you at 5AM, I’d damn well rather that you know I felt it. If I love you two hours later, I’ll tell you then too. Listen, I won’t wait double the time it takes for you to text me back because I don’t want to. I don’t care enough to be patient with you. I’m happy, you made me feel that way, don’t you want to know? So that’s how it’s going to be. I’m going to leave myself as open as a church door. And I’m going to wake you up before the crack of dawn to tell you that I’m fucking joyful, no pretending, not from me, not ever. Would you like some coffee, would you please kiss me? Here, these are my hands, this is my mouth, it is all yours.”

~ Azra T. “Don’t Wait Three Days to Text First”