3AM on a Friday

My anxiety manifests itself in strange ways lately. Okay, maybe not strange, but in prolonged ways that I am not used to managing. Actually, I don’t even know if it’s strange because I’ve never read up on it, but maybe someone might find this relatable.

Something that makes me anxious will start small. It often starts with a pet peeve; a triggering person; or someone who I’m around often enough, changing their routine behaviour [towards me] in a way that just pushes my patience to the edge. Sometimes, it is unintentional on their part but 95% of the time, I really don’t care.

If this happens often enough, it starts to manifest itself in the form of frustration. It lies dormant under the surface until there’s no more space for it to multiply. It starts boiling under my skin until a situation I don’t feel particularly comfortable in, presents itself.

Then I just feel numb. It’s almost like the outside of my body and the inside of my body are not in sync. On the outside, I’m nonchalant yet on the inside, my mind feels like those “solving the math” memes. And the voices in there are LOUD. They tell me to remember things, be wary of things, forget about things, figure out how to handle things, pick myself up, be alone, be social, try to be happy, not get too excited about things, men are trash etc… all at the same time.

And then I just snap. It doesn’t take much for me to snap either. I just start shaking and crying uncontrollably and struggling to breathe. It almost feels like being underwater and trying to fight creatures that are pulling you deeper underwater.

I don’t like it.

xo

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Rock Bottom: a Basement or a Foundation?

I wanted to stay off Twitter, but I didn’t know how. Before I took my Twitter hiatus, I went on the following rant:

It’s kinda nice to be able to come here for chuckles or to vent when you’ve had a hard day.

I won’t lie though, it is often tough to see such amazing things happening for other people when your life is in absolute shambles and all your hope has been smashed to smithereens.

“I got the job!”

“I’m engaged!”

“My dream business is coming to life!”

“He/she did this just because it’s Thursday”

Well damn. Must be nice.

It doesn’t take away from anyone though. It doesn’t mean to say that you are incapable of being happy for others or that your well wishes are not genuine.

But wow.

That feeling of “it would be nice to be thrown a bone of goodwill in at least ONE aspect of my life” is difficult to shake. An entire year goes by and you have almost nothing to show for it. It is extremely depressing. Then, to make things worse, it is not like you have not tried to make things better, you know? You apply for jobs day in and day out or you try to go on dates, for example, and still end up in the same bottomless pit of hopelessness.

I hate life with my entire soul. I really do not know or understand why I am here.

A few weeks into my “cleansing”, I’ve realized that being self-aware is actually quite exhausting. I find myself in my head all the time; having to rethink and relearn; and also teach myself how to compromise because as much as I want to be comfortable all the time, the world doesn’t work like that.

Sleepless nights that I normally would have spent passing time on Twitter, are now forcing me to deal with each day’s emotions and find other ways to manage my anxiety. I think I became a little bit too addicted to using [often unhealthy] distractions as a remedy whenever I felt anything negative. “Depressed? Frustrated? Anxious? Tweet about it. Someone probably feels the same, or worse, then you can focus on caring about their feelings instead of your own.” 🤦🏾‍♀️

It has been extremely tiring being the person who is always providing motivation and support when it hasn’t been reciprocated. Exuding positive energy for people to feed off of while I deal with being drained on my own. Despite the challenges, I would rather protect my [small semblance of] peace every day than be in the wishy-washy-just-go-with-the-flow state I used to be in.

I am convinced that this is what rock bottom feels like.

xo

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